A Humorous Slant on a Messy chore

 2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your  sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps  thin rubber gloves).

 3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant  wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due  warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold  hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)

 4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand <g>. What I find safest is  to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly  against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any
suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away  and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove,  not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by
your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to cross ties. He may  shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr. Hand's antics,  but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and  gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.

Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a  direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about  what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then
 slide it back till you are entering The Home of the Actual Private  Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube  him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.

If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel  little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope  around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal. 

5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the  sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely  absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them that sleeves and follow in after it ;-) 

6) As you and Mr. Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you  will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into  a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction,
invite yourself in <vbg>. You are now in the inner sanctum of The  Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back,  trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it <vbg>.  No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of  it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing  whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part  itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty  topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if  necessary to loosen attached gunk.

7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know  each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all  around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing,
 the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney shaped accumulation of  smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses  accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no
 visible external smegma.

So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed  will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer  fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards  for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I  dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a  bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your  finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND  the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's  accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for  your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in  desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index  finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude  the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT  kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered  any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen  another bean that enormous, though. 

8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse  the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've  taken <vbg>. A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a  sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the  Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the  sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in  your hand and guide it up there personally. 

9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots  of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands  smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...

10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing  the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms  elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if
you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal  perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your  horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first
 date ;-)

and of course, there is that one FINAL step...

11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the  kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've  just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly
 watching the entire process. <vbg>) 

Now, go thou forth and clean that Part :-)

"Copyright 1998 Patricia Harris; please email  for permission to reprint".